Anxiously Happy

When I was 5 years old and attending Kindergarten, my dad took me to school most mornings. We'd happily spend the morning singing along to old country songs in the minivan on our 10 minute drive. As if I didn't know this feeling would hit me every morning, as soon as we pulled into the school, a wave of panic spread throughout my body. My belly would ache, I would begin to cry, and I would full-on freak out. However, my panicked state diminished as soon as I walked through the front doors.

Let me explain...the actual school part (kids, learning, teachers) was not my biggest worry. My biggest worry was the ACTUAL FRONT DOORS. Being that I was always the tiniest person in my class, (and even now in my group of adult friends) I was terrified that I would not be able to open the heavy school doors and that I would be stuck outside by myself all day. Ok, little Allison...chill out! For those of you who are in car lines on a consistent basis, this is for you. I made my poor father WAIT in the carpool line  and watch me until I was able to run inside. This was not a once-in-awhile situation. This was EVERY DAY. Can you imagine the fingers and horn-honking he must've received? I'll have to ask him about this.

This was my very first memory of what I now know as generalized and situational anxiety.

These bogus scenarios (like the one when I feared I'd be left outside) I played in my mind continued into adulthood. I pushed past my thoughts to get help because I knew that I was still happy. I heard on the commercials for drugs about chemical-imbalances in which depression and anxiety were tied together. It was confusing to me that a person could be anxious and not depressed and vice versa. So, it was easier to assume I was fine. I was, what I like to call, "anxiously happy." This is fine. Everything is fine. Plus, the thought of walking into a doctor's office sent me into Anxious City overdrive.

As I became older and through more life experience, these made-up scenarios became bigger problems for me. My least favorite game, but the one that I was forced to play basically every day of my life, went a little something like this:

"What if I eat dinner now, but dinner is served at the party? Will they think I'm rude for not eating? Maybe I should have a snack. What if there is no food and my snack wasn't enough? What if I get so hungry that I pass out? What if the ambulance can't get to me? What if I ring the doorbell at the wrong house? What if I get lost and can't find my way back? What if my car breaks down? What happens if someone robs me while I'm getting out of my car? What if I break a shoe on the way to the door? What if the party if actually next week?"

"WHAT IF...WHAT IF...WHAT IF..."

The "What if..." game continued to torture me. These thoughts would go from semi-"normal" flashes to things that would likely never happen.

At one point, when I was in college, my anxiety was so revved up, that I completely shut out all of my friends. The scenarios were so grandiose that, in my mind, the best thing to do was to not do anything. I would go to class, and then go back to my dorm room. This did not bode well for a girl who was living in a dorm full of other women and in a sorority. My anxiety killed a lot of friendships that I once had. And that's a painful realization. Don't worry; spoiler: this blog post ends happily.

The final straw:

I was at the happiest place on Earth-Napa Valley. Sorry Disney fans, we can dispute this later. I digress...I'm in the middle of wine country with my husband with a plan of no real plans other than to hit some wineries. This set my anxiety into over-drive. We were stopping every 5 minutes so that I could be sick. Nope, wasn't pregnant (and hadn't had a drop of wine yet). Just anxious AF. The scenarios were out of control. The tightness in my chest was unbearable.

After that trip, I analyzed how I'd spent my life wiggling my way out of social situations, vacations, potentially cool jobs, and overall life experiences. I made an appointment with a doctor within a few weeks of my trip. You could imagine the scenarios that went through my head leading up to the day of my appointment. Oy!

I sat in this doctor's office for nearly two hours-crying, explaining my scenarios, how it's impacted my life, asking 8 million questions, and a plea for him to "fix" me. The "fix" was medication. As much as I dreaded having to take medication, (you know, because you totally get a medal for never taking prescribed medication) it was one of the BEST decisions I have made. That doctor's office visit was about 20 years overdue.

I love to look back on all of the things that I've been able to overcome since being medicated. I'm a group fitness instructor. Twenty women will stare at my butt while I coach them through a workout! I have given presentations in front of dozens of people for work. I don't have to force myself to go to parties. I WANT to go! ALL THE PARTIES!

The details of my anxiety are now out in the world, but I find it comforting knowing that so many others are sharing their own experiences with anxiety. And everyone's is different. Or you may not have anxiety. But, hopefully, you understand it a little better.

Get help if you need it. Take the medicine. Meditate. Read scripture. Do what works for you. For me, no more heavy doors. They're open. If they aren't open, I find a way to push through them.