Our Non-Magical Visit to Disney World

Disney World. The happiest place on Earth? Meh. Not quite. We did have some magical moments, for sure. This post isn't a total rant. Joyful rides, children giggling, magical music, scrumptious food, and memories in which we'd photograph and look back on fondly. Those were all of the things in which I imagined Disney World. Instead, we experienced more waiting than fun, meltdowns, (thankfully not from mine) rude staff, inefficiencies, sub par food, and a few memories I'd like to forget.

We took our eldest kiddo; which was really a vacation in and of itself. Parents of multiples: you know what I mean. Clark is nearly four years old, and this was his first trip to Disney, so the hidden blessing is that he didn't know all the things that we just didn't get to. He doesn't know who Cinderella is, so we told him we were going to see Mickey's castle.

During our 2.5 hour trip down to Orlando, John and I discussed how we were going in with open minds and to see Disney through Clark's eyes. Having both been as children, (even though I don't remember going...sorry, Mom and Dad!) and knowing a lot had changed over the years, we did all of the research we could find. I even put an SOS on Facebook asking you all to spam me your ideas, tips/tricks, etc. The information was highly useful. I felt prepared. Oh boy, :::in a Mickey voice::: was I wrong!

There was not enough Xanax in the world to prepare me for the inefficiencies of Magic Kingdom. I expected and mentally prepared for the lines. I did. And, in all fairness, we rode more rides than I thought we would get to that day. BUT, and it's a big BUT...so big, I cannot lie; the where-do-I-go factor was high that day. We arrived to the entrance of Magic Kingdom around 9:15 am around park opening. After waiting in line just to pay for parking (it's freaking $25, but whatever) for nearly an hour, and then another 30 minutes of being directed into a parking spot, (I was losing my mind at this point) and then walking to the park (another 30 minutes), we arrived to the ticketing booths. I literally said a prayer thanking God for Clark's patience and for the beautiful weather. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

I noticed there were a lot of folks; not a problem. I was prepared for this. Lines beyond lines. What I didn't know is what line, if any, I needed to get into. I had the tickets prepared on my My Disney Experience app in which Disney experts told me to download. Were we good to get onto the Monorail? There are no signs! WHERE DO WE GO? I asked a cast member who guessed (wrongly) to go into a particular line. When I arrived at the line, the other cast member asked me for my email confirmation. I told her that I had the app, and that my tickets were on the app. MY FRIENDS TOLD ME TO USE THE APP FOR EVERYTHING. The Xanax was wearing off. After a massive search in my emails, sifting through weeks of mostly junk and some emails from my grandma, I found the barcode that the annoyed cast member asked for to only hear her say "You're in the wrong line. You need to go into this line." How anyone knows what line they're supposed to be in is still beyond me.

Spoiler alert: we make it out of the ticketing line. Dottie was pleasant, but very slow. She did make sure Clark received a "My First Visit" pin. Cute. We waited in line, of course, to get onto the Monorail. While the boys waited, I visited the bathrooms. After searching through EIGHT stalls, I found one that was decent enough to hover over. Also, there are no paper towels. Off to a great start. Just as an update, we're not in the actual park yet AND it is approximately 12 pm.

Finally, we arrive into Magic Kingdom. I loved seeing his cute little face when he spotted the giant castle in the middle of the park. He gasped. He asked if there were chairs inside. "Um, what? Yeah, I guess." was my answer. He also asked if Mickey has a penis. If anyone wants to answer this, be our guest; be our guest. Still, it was cute. He happily posed for a picture. The Mickey he's holding is one we brought from home. One of the best pieces of advice we received from our Disney expert friends was to bring your own toys. We did not buy any souvenirs because a Mickey from Amazon is approximately $20 cheaper than a Mickey from Disney World. He doesn't know the difference and everyone is happy.

A few rides, lines, lunch, (brought from home because #DisneyisexpensiveAF) and an ice cream cone later, it was nearly 4 pm. We learned how to navigate through the park using our Fast Passes and map like true tourists. We learned that some folks pretend that they don't speak English and use their children to skip in line; the magic carpet ride is really the same as the Dumbo ride; everyone REALLY wants to ride the Seven Dwarfs ride; (a 180 minute wait most of the day) the rides in which they tell you to just get on rather than assign you are super cutthroat; (choose a teacup and commit!) John and I are even competitive when it comes to shooting Zorgs; and, that it really is a small world after all.

It is now approximately 5:30 pm.

All of the "good" restaurants for dinner had been booked for (I'm assuming) weeks. Good is really a loose term. It's park food. Let's call it what it is. We landed in a spot in Liberty Square. I felt the urge for all of us to wash our hands. I asked a cast member where the bathroom was located. She flailed her hand and said "that way." Ugh. I couldn't find it. So, I asked another visitor and was pointed in the right direction and with a much happier tone. This was a bathroom trip in which I was happy to take along my toddler because I broke the #3 rule as a woman when using the restroom. Always check for toilet paper before sitting down. Clark willingly climbed under the stall to grab me some tp out of the stall that we previously deemed as disgusting, and climbed back under our stall. Also, no soap. No paper towels. Ew. Anyway, we ate. We rested. We decided we'd close the park down to get our money's-worth.

It is approximately 6:15 pm. T-minus 1 hour and 45 minutes to closing.

More waiting. More lines. As you're waiting in line, you have plenty of time to think about the events of the day.

Things like:
Limit your water intake to avoid the gross and insufficient bathrooms.
Clark geeking out over meeting Buzz was hilarious and adorable.
Not being able to meet Mickey was a bummer, (100 minute wait) but he doesn't know we can actually do that. Ssshh. Don't tell him.
John and I marveling once again about how one kid is a picnic.
Why the book If Disney Ran Your Hospital is successful?
When would any cast member comment on Clark's first visit pin that so many Disney expert friends told me would be remarked upon.
Why does this feel and look like a dirty carnival? Trash everywhere.
And, really...why aren't these 15 year olds who work here filling up all of the spots on this ride? And before you wonder, no, these rides weren't broken. We've been waiting in this line extra long because these teens are...I don't know...lazy? ignorant? poorly trained? OMG, why?! Part of my actual job is to find more efficient ways to do things. So, I stopped myself from rocking in a corner shivering. If you don't know me personally, you probably think I'm exaggerating. However, my friends, family, and co-workers are probably laughing and thinking, "Yup. That sounds about right." It took everything in me not to start redirecting visitors onto the rides to make for a more efficient process.

It is approximately 7:45 pm.

We were all pretty exhausted at this point. We decided to skip the fireworks and watch them from the Monorail. I thought the end of my anxiety was over. The Xanax was definitely long-gone. Maneuvering through crowds of people was my worst nightmare. Picture this: I am 4'11''-several inches shorter than the average person. My viewpoint is (excuse the term, but it's an Allison staple) #titsandpits. I see it all; I smell it all. I'm hoping to make it through the crowd with my three year old without either of us being trampled. A mad dash out of the park with only a few whips of hair in my face and a few strollers cutting me off. Breathe! We made it.

It is approximately 8:05 pm.

Clark is basically asleep before we even leave the parking lot. Ah, success. We're all tired. Again, more waiting. The 2.5 hour ride back home left us wondering when and if we'd ever go back.

I was hoping the trip would be so magical that we'd fall into the Disney World hole of whimsy, buy annual passes, and place little mouse ear decals on our cars. We may have missed all of the magic that others experience at Disney. The most magical part of it all was spending some quality time with my boy. And, honestly, any place where Clark is happy is the happiest place on Earth.