Divorce Pain

It is official. I am divorced.

Something I thought I would NEVER say. But, here we are. Divorced. 

There are certain things in which you'd expect when you go through a divorce. Things get worse before they get better. You think the process will never actually end, but it does. You feel all the things. You feel sadness, relief, confusion, anger, and about a million other nameless emotions that any emotional-capable person would feel. I have felt all of those emotions before in other life situations, because, well...life in general does those things. However, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the extreme, feel-every-little-thing and emotion during a divorce process. I've felt pain. And, now, I've felt divorce pain.

I know many people are reading this because you want to know what circumstances led to this moment. You're nosy. That is fine. I'm nosy too. Maybe you're here because you're also going through or have been through a divorce. Do we have similar situations? Maybe. Are we still alive? Hell yes.

Why am I specifically writing this?

This is for you. 

Maybe you have been through a divorce. Are you going through this now? Have you been through this before? It is a strange feeling to be able to connect with someone else who has been through a divorce. It's a club. And this club kinda sucks. You know this kind of pain. I'm sharing because if my story can comfort or validate even one person's feelings, then this post hasn't just turned into my personal diary. I'm just laying it all out there. 

This is for me.

I started my blog over a year ago with intentions of sharing my life as a married woman working full-time with kids, a husband, and a mortgage. Now I'm single, working full-time, working part-time, financing a new household, and raising two kiddos (half the time) all by myself. I've come to the realization that my blog will be ever-evolving, and that's ok too. Watch me word vomit all over the place. 

It is not to bash my ex-husband, (still weird to say) although it will be hard to explain without a little bashing. Get ready. I mean, this is still pretty fresh, y'all. 

Whether you're nosy, you simply like to read blogs, or you've been through "divorce pain," then this is for you. Read it and weep...literally. 

A year ago, I was happily married. Or, I thought I was. Rose-colored glasses, maybe. I thought I was living my best life with the man of my dreams. I wanted nothing more than to be married to this man. When I got married, I meant it. He was my forever and ever and ever. Through most of our marriage, I thought that we were the lucky ones. We were going to be the couple who stood the test of time. There were good times. There were REALLY good times. Then, came the hard stuff. Things that are hard to explain in one single blog post.  There were also REALLY bad times. Things that I thought my then-husband and I would never come out of; but then, we did. Then there was that REALLY bad time. The thing that HE did that ended us forever.

In the span of 8 years of marriage, and 13 total years together, we went to more football games than I can count, built a house, traveled to different countries, went to a million weddings, spent quality time and built relationships with each others' families, and best of all-we made two humans together. One of those kids made us parents for the first time. One of those kids almost didn't make it. You can read all about my difficult pregnancy here. All of these moments were moments that brought us closer. And then, we weren't. 

Marriage is hard. Even my parents who've been married for 30+ years have told me this. What made marriage hard for me in the last year that we were together is that we were in two totally different headspaces. Here I was...up on a mountain. Happy. Blissfully happy! I had finally reached a point in my personal and professional life where I was the happiest I'd ever been. I shared those joys with my husband thinking he was being supportive. That's what you're supposed to do. Plus, he was my best friend. Unfortunately, he was in the trenches in those life departments, and then very consciously chose to 1) not tell me he was unhappy. 2) lie about it. and then 3) make the poorest of the poorest decisions (interpret this as you will. It is probably what you're already assuming) ultimately flipping mine and our beautiful babies' lives upside down. 

After a series of events that even almost a year later I still don't have the stomach to type out, I decided after much prayer, therapy, thoughts, discussions, and arguments that there was no coming out of this. At the time of a possible reconciliation, I prayed (unknowingly at the time) mostly for clarity. Do I stay? Do I go? "God, give me clarity!" And thinking, "why am I asking for clarity so much?" Well, ask and you shall receive. He was MORE than clear. My picture-perfect, but more like rose-colored glasses marriage needed to end. And it needed to end quickly. 

The day after God showed me clarity, I sat in my lawyer's office, sobbed, wrote a check, and asked how much longer until I can rid this toxic person out of my life as much as possible.

You would not believe how many times I thought (and to this day still do) think about how I got here. How'd I end up in a toxic, disingenuous, adulterous, (there, I said it) and manipulative marriage? While I was not a perfect wife, absolutely nothing I did could have led me to this path...so my therapist says; and what my therapist makes me say to myself; and why I keep going to therapy. 

I've had a handful of people reach out to me and tell me I'm doing great. "You post such positive things on social media!" Oh, girl. I cried in my bathroom for an hour this morning and took a shot of tequila before going to bed. Don't let tiny picture squares deceive you. There's plenty that I don't post on social media...

I am very much still mourning a life I thought was going to be forever. 

I'm mourning the fact that I only spend 50% of my time with my kids. 

Some days, I am so enraged I am shocked that I haven't had a stroke. 

I am angry that my kids will never remember their parents living together.

I am jealous of my friends' marriages.

At the start of our separation, I was too depressed to get out of bed for three days.

I still have days like that. 

My anxiety is on a whole other level of anxiousness. 

I am mad at my ex when the kids act up because I have to manage them by myself.

I am frustrated when my ex and I disagree on a situation with the kids.

I feel sad when I have to explain/not tell the whole truth to my 5 year old why Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. 

Then, there are those who are close to me, who see me at my worst, but also my best. Some of these things get put into little squares on Instagram.

My best friend held me and slept next to me the day after I kicked my ex out so that I wasn't alone.

The Tball moms encourage me to feel anger, but also laugh with me when the timing is right.

My parents-Angie and Frank took me under their wing, helped me make difficult decisions because my head was all over the place, gave me good wine, let me cry, made me laugh, and encouraged me to move forward when I hesitated.

My girlfriends dropped wine at my door.

My girls from the gyms are always eager to hear me tell them ridiculous, yet hilarious stories that have happened to me over the last several months. 

I have laughed so hard that I peed my pants.

I spoon my big ole chocolate lab as I fall asleep every night. 

I bought and rocked a bright pink tulle dress for my birthday.

I reconnected with old friends. 

I'm moving on by literally moving-I sold the old marital home and bought myself a new one!

So, here I am. Divorced. Single. Single-mommin'.Co-parenting. Dating (oy). Failing. Succeeding. Growing. Sometimes I'm so sad. Sometimes I'm so happy. I hope to look back on this post a year from now and admire how much I've grown and changed. I have a lot of incredible, fascinating, beautiful, and encouraging friends and family, (who also deserve their own blog post; seriously) and two busy, yet HAPPY kids. 

Life goes on. You have a plan for your life and God says, "Oh, that's cute!" He showed me the clarity that I needed. He has a different plan for me. He's teaching me something. I haven't learned what that is yet. Whatever it is, I know I will live happily ever after.